I have too much going on in my mind right now to concentrate on anything.

I attended Pilipino Graduation last night to support my two friends, and seeing all the families of the other students who showed up was heartwarming. The speeches these new grads gave were of gratitude, appreciation, and love for their families and friends. In response, their families also expressed lots of support and love to their son/daughter/brother/sister/cousin/nephew/niece.

Tomorrow, I graduate broken.

I know my family and friends are proud and want me to succeed, but I also hear all their negativity towards me. My college experience was one of being broken in. I am several times more mature than when I started, and several times more jaded because of it.

Freshman year, I wanted to escape and have a good time. I trusted people I shouldn't have trusted, was reminded that my sex organs are female, and completely lost my sense of self. Right afterwards, an older student picked me up and tried to "fix" me for the next 2 years. I wasted 2 years of my life in that relationship, and I was too busy looking down in shame to realize what was going on around me.

I finally wised up and dumped him, and started to build myself from the ground up by questioning everything and chasing anything that even remotely interested me. Still working my way out of depression, I started exercising regularly, setting myself goals, reminding myself of all that I do have and am grateful for, and started focusing on the possibilities and joys rather than the shortcomings and pain.

This newly mended self was strong enough to take care of my dying grandfather, whose life and dedication to family I will eternally be grateful for. I'm glad I was able to shape up in time to help ease his physical pains and talk with him  even for a short while before he passed away. With grandpa being the fourth important person in my life to have passed away in the past five years, I started to see the need to spend quality time with my loved ones whenever I could, and share life with others as much as I could.

A month later, when my grandfather passed away and my mother returned to the United States in mourning, my father announced to her that he wanted a divorce. He reasoned that since she finished her chemotherapy this year and there were no new tumors, his obligation to her was done, and he could divorce her with a clear conscience to go on with his life. This, reasonably, sent my mother into a self-destructive cycle, and now I worry for her health daily. At the time, my younger brother had just moved away to Japan for college, and my mother had been looking forward to turning over a new leaf with my father to spend their time together in old age, finally child-free.

My life, your life, our life, his life, a statistic. When I was younger, my family would always tell me not to fight with my little brother because he and the parents are the only family I have in this country, and he will be the only family I have when they die. Family members are the only people who will come out and support you when you need something, they say. And yet, my friends have been there for me in times of need when they refused to talk about it. And yet, my friends have visited me in Santa Barbara at 3 in the morning just to talk nonsense and spend quality time with me when my loving family has never visited for the sake of visiting.
To them, I am not worth a 2 hour drive.

To them, I am only worth the potential of my female organs to keep their genes in the gene pool.

To them, I am a daughter in paper. I am a liability. A responsibility.

I'm being greedy here, because who can expect an aging dysfunctional couple to spend 2 hours in a small car together?
Just...it would be nice if they ever showed affection for the sake of showing affection, rather than having an institutionalized excuse for their actions.

But they aren't the ones to blame--I am.
My loneliness is a product of my own actions.
I need to slow down my life so that I have spare time, and I need to re-prioritize my responsibilities to put my friends and family first and career second.
With graduation season in full force, I realize now that accomplishments mean nothing without people to celebrate them with.

As I sit crying in front of my laptop on this warm, sunny Saturday afternoon, I feel guilty because this weekend is a time for celebration, when my peers and I officially graduate from UCSB to move on with our young adulthood armed with a Bachelor's degree. While I shed self-pitying tears, my friends are on the stage in front of the lagoon shedding tears of love in front of their family and friends while shaking hands with the chancellor to receive their diplomas.


The lagoon's probably sparkling right now, too.

Where are they?
Do they exist? Who are they?
Other than Margaret Cho and Helen Zia, are there any other truly queer asian-american women out there?

I need role models, damn it!
There are many books about gay asian-american men out there, and I know quite a few, but why are the queer women less visible? Is it lesbianism in general that's censored, or is there something about Asian America that censors (queer) women?

I have always been a big (ego-wise), (very) fat dyke, and have taken this for granted.
Not seeing it necessary to come out for the past 3 years, I finally visited my school's queer resource center to see what books are out there on queer Asian Americans.
There was one book on the history of gay Asian American males, which was more of a history on Asia America than on queer issues. That was it.




What. the. hell.


Now, looking online for some other resources, there are a few out there for lesbians, and there are a few resources for Asian Americans (almost all are San Francisco orgs), but nothing comprehensive or substantial.

Especially in the era of Prop8 and SB1070, I feel it's necessary to have centers to organize around.
Maybe it's the impending move to conservative Orange County that's making me all anxious, but god Damn, I need a role model right now.  Helen Zia et al, y'all are amazing, but I need more than just a few token women to draw on when piecing together an understanding of self.

“The evolution of human existence is propelled by a constant narcissism; a struggle to negotiate one’s perception of self and one’s perception of the other, and some of the most (historically) flawed (though pervasive) acts of negotiating a collective identity are politicized oppression and cultural mimicry of the other—both of which seek agreement.

"Inevitably, collective agreement regarding identity produces a common design for humanity, or a morality relative to the perceptions of a particular group. Hierarchical notions of humanity are formed, and, eventually, once the tracks are laid, people will have to pitch their tents on either side. Conflict. War. Somebody (or bodies) in opposition to the populace will have to be dismembered so that new orders of identity ca be formed” (17).

Rux, Carl Hancock. “Eminem: The New White Negro.” Everything But The Burden: What White People Are Taking From Black Culture. Ed. Greg Tate. New York, NY: Broadway Books, 2003. 15-38. Book.