It bothers me how my generation of Nisei face the same issues and feel the same things as the generation of Nisei in John Okada's book from over 50 years ago.

I feel like I've wasted my life so far. 

With the fog turning August into mid-winter, my optimism's fading as fast as the sun.


I am 21 now and haven't progressed much past age 12.




I've dabbled in many things, learned a ton of life lessons, loved and been loved, have done many stupid shit, have had lots of stupid shit done to me, and yet I'm still as incompetent as ever. 

I don't know how to socialize, how to not creep people out, how to smile or play without making small children cry, take care of my body, take care of myself so that I don't pass out from undernourishment, I don't know how to date or act like a lady, how to act like a civil person, I've forgotten most of my table manners, ethics, family values (given that I'd had any to begin with), and my ambition for life.
The only skills I've become competent in is drinking, drug paraphernalia, and making old cars drive faster than anyone thought possible. 

I fail.

I fail hard at life.

I don't even see the point in veganism anymore. 
All I see is perpetuation of the status quo and White privilege.
I am so tan I'm no longer remotely yellow but brown and sore with acne.



I with I could restart my life.

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I think I'm depressed because after 3 days of little to no sleep, the first thing I did after waking up was watching Life: Tears in Heaven, a movie about a windsurfer's dying journey with liver cancer with my mom, who's been struggling to fight her breast cancer from spreading while taking care of the partner of a friend who's died from brain cancer, taking care of grandma while grandpa's dying from mystery spine cancer and dealing with the ethics of not letting him know the doctors are letting him die, and seeing many of her breast cancer support group women die off since she had finish chemo.   In the back of my mind I know I'm going to get cancer some day and being the hypochondriac that I am, I fear with my ridiculously stressful lifestyle and habits I'll be getting cancer before I turn 30, before finding a life-long love, before being able to start a loving family. 

I think there's something inherently difficult for a woman to find out she no longer has reproductive organs or breasts.  There is a social stigma against post-cancer women who decided not to have reconstructive surgery.  It's especially difficult for them during swimsuit season, too...
          What does it mean to be a sterile woman without curves? Scratch that--What does it mean to become sterile from medicine that attacks your own cells to let the healthy cells stand a chance at survival and scooping out the insides of your breasts and any other body parts that have been deemed defective?  Is a woman still a woman after that?

I dreamt I went camping with vegans and I found a pair of "antlers" that were TV antennae and I brought it back to the cabin to show everyone what I found and to hammer it onto the mantle because that's what an ideal log cabin looks like to me.

One of them looks scornfully at me, saying that antlers aren't vegan and the entire room looks at me as though I had killed a beautiful, innocent animal for its antlers. 


I look back down at my hands and there are a pair of TV antennae and I was severely confused.


What does this mean? 
Nothing.